Keep yourself Motivated.

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

– Zig Ziglar

How to get over someone?

Part I

Loved someone?
Things didn’t work out?
Break up?
Can’t forget him/her?

You thought your relationship was just few fries short of a happy meal?

Not that you hate them or don’t love them any more, just that sometimes in our lives, karma bites us and makes us cry. There’s only one solution to getting over all this melancholy.

Do not forget that happening. Acknowledge it.

It’s not easy – it is difficulterent. Learning to live without someone who you planned living with without considering the age difference, the colour difference, the anything-that-could-be-different difference, you ignored everything in him/her that you always have nitpick in people. You changed yourself. Your love became your gravity. Your life became conditional to one thing, i.e. living with your loved one. Passion is a good thing, obsession isn’t. You were obsessed to the point of no return. Sadly it didn’t happen and your dreams shattered into pieces. Now, all you have is emptiness. How to get over it all and live a life that you were living before meeting the certain someone special?

The post isn’t about love. Its not about if chasing someone was the right thing to do. I don’t care about how you broke up with someone; You couldn’t speak your heart out to someone; Your love was way ahead of your age; You loved a television celebrity; You loved a dinosaur, or whatever. Human mind is a crazy thing and you can expect anything from it. So, the why you did something isn’t as significant as how to get over it.

Not that you didn’t have a happy ending, just that if you’re reading this, the ending isn’t there yet (unless of course you are struck by an earthquake or the roof falls down, but that’s another story). You don’t really know what a happy ending is. The show goes on and on. Though, there always are many occasions in our lives where we feel like our life has ended.

Symptoms that tell you’re broke and abandoned :

You don’t get hungry.
You like sad breakup songs.
You constantly check your email and phone to see if he/she has left any message.
You cannot concentrate on anything when he/she is around you.
You keep rehearsing what you should have said to him/her.
You feel really depressed and get suicidal thoughts.
You don’t find interest in anything at all.

The level of intimacy in your relationship defines the difficulty in getting over someone. There can be two cases :

1) Was he/she an intimate part of your life?
….that is to say, you spent most of your life with him/her. Either in person, or on phone.

2) Was he/she just a crush and you people weren’t together?
….that is to say, you don’t have much memory of spending your time together. You just love him/her.

If it’s the first, i.e the intimate talk-everyday-at-the-same-time type of connection, you need

-> to follow the general rules discussed later in the post
-> a new hobby
-> to start hanging out with friends more often
-> some good ol’ family time
-> change your daily schedule
-> no more stepping into relationships for a couple of months

(it may sound clichéd and thank-you-captain-obvious-ish but write those things down on a neat paper and see wonders happen starting that very moment you start following your check list)

If you’re the lucky guy, i.e. the second scenario, you don’t need much to do. It’ll be a matter of time you’ll be over it. But you still have to

-> to follow the general rules discussed later in the post
-> find some hobby (because stalking someone is a bad bad thing :p)

General Rules! ( The best General out there =D )

Eye Contact! Maintain Eye contact.

If you’re working together or studying together or you often encounter each other : Stare politely. It doesn’t mean you start stalking that person, which actually is a very natural thing after a breakup. People secretly stalk their ex-es to see who’s doing better. Don’t do that. Also, don’ t avoid looking into his/her eyes. That way you will be way more comfortable with that certain someone special and have no other special feelings for him/her. The reason? DUH! Because you’re treating him/her like any other person. And it’s not hard once you start doing it. Just like riding a bicycle!

Don’t ask yourself stupid questions!

Where did things go wrong? How can I win him/her back? How am I ever gonna get past this blow? I wonder how he/she feels about me?

The reality is THINGS ARE NOT GONNA CHANGE. It has happened and it has happened for good. You’re the same guy/girl that you were before -plus some experience. You just aged. And life goes on like that.

DO NOT LISTEN TO SAD MUSIC. OR ANY MUSIC.

DO NOT WATCH A ROMANTIC MOVIE. OR ANY MOVIE!

Movies and Songs remind you there are people like you. And when we see people who share our suffering, we become happy. And we want to hang around with them. We like relating to others. One thing that separates awesome from normal is that awesome people want to improve themselves whenever possible while normal people want their ego acknowledged and respected. You are awesome. You won’t get a scripted happy ending. You would get a happy ending by fighting your way out of the jungle. Sad breakup songs oison. Do not ever listen to them.

Don’t play pretend.

See him/her smile ruins your day? Do not pretend to be happy when you’re not. It never works. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re not, don’t. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Because pretending takes a great deal of effort. Half of that effort and you can get over your special someone. Although, a smile on your face must always remain an essential part of your dressing. (because it looks good on you and you know that…try it on in front of a mirror, you’ll understand what I’m saying)

Can’t forget your love?

If you’re one of the I’ll love you forever kind of a guy/girl. Then loving the said person doesn’t require you to be with them. You can wish for a happy life for them. The reason it’s really hard to get over someone is that you have given up a lot for the said person. You have moved out of your comfort zone for him/her. You have had dreams about them. Dreams so beautiful and rejoicing you’d rather stay asleep all day. You even start lucid dreaming, day dreaming and whatnot. You’re living in a totally different world at that moment.

VENT!

There’s always one best friend in your life you want to share your love stories with. Speak your heart out to him/her. You will feel much better. And remember, this isn’t about getting your ex back. You have been ditched. Let go.

So, what are you going to do NOW?

Stop pretending…
Stop dreaming…
Start living…again.

And try not to fall in any relationship before you get married.

If it’s a friend you’ve broken up with, for stupid reasons, a patch up would take much less effort than getting over. 

Don’t start looking for love in other people right away. Just wait for your moment. God willing, you will find the one. Someone came into your life. You lived a very happy life with that someone. That someone broke your heart and now there’s no way to get the life you were living before back. But wait, that does not end here. There is a happier life waiting for you. A life you can’t imagine right now because you’re too absorbed in your past life. It is subtle but true. You live in a world of feelings and emotions. You can either feel sad and live a sad life -in your past. Or you can be happy and hopeful for a better future.

I can understand the pain of losing someone you love. It is much more than the physical pain of torture. You’re totally shattered into pieces. Its like living a great social life and still being lonely. Why does it have to be like that? Because you’re never ready to admit it’s over. You don’t change your hobbies because you’re not interested in starting anything new. You don’t quit listening to music because you don’t want to snap out of the hypnotised dream life that the sweet romantic music gives you. (or any music, generally speaking). You don’t quit watching movies because you feel lonely, you don’t have enough time to spent with your friends and family. The pain is intense indeed. Just like when a cancer patient is informed of how much more time he has. Like toothache, headache, flu and food poisoning combined. Like the worst malaise out there. But like all pains, it is temporary. Maybe you’re feeling all that right now because you’re still in denial. You don’t want this to be over. It haunts you like a ghost in some childhood nightmare that used to haunt you even when you weren’t asleep. Or the horror after watching some horror flick, say The Ring. The horror didn’t end, and the nightmares didn’t stop haunting, until you made a choice. A choice to make them go away. Make your breakup ghost go away. It’s your choice. And you are ready.

If possible, end your break up on a happy note. You may not be on talking terms with that certain someone, but muster up the courage and have a final talk. You will feel much better. Oh and remember, sometimes in our lives good things have to fall apart to provide room for better things.

Muslims don’t fall in a relationship before they get married to someone. It is the best way out there to avoid the botheration. Follow Islam.

Ciao.

p.s. there is no part II… because you know all you have to get over that certain someone special… best of luck

Sometimes in your lives

If you want it in an average layman’s language, imagine a worm that enters your skin and then crawls under it. In addition to the swirly patterns that it produces on your skin while it ascends, it scares the life out of you. You become too afraid to do anything. You look. Look here and there, you look everywhere, to find someone who can help you. You look for a friend. You find no one. You panic. You run here and there shouting and crying when you find a friendly figure standing right in front of you. Someone who can see you in pain. Someone who understands your pain. Someone who feels it. Someone who gives you hope. But that someone does not do anything but stare at and feel bad for you. That someone feels bad for you. The worm keeps crawling and that certain someone keeps feeling bad about it. You’re annoyed and heartbroken. Like your expectations just fell from a cliff and broke into teeny weeny pieces and then some dog ate those pieces and completely digested them. You look into that certain someone’s eyes with despair. You know you have conveyed your message. You don’t want to ask for help. You don’t want people to feel sorry for you. You want people to help. You don’t want people to be sympathetic, you want people to be encouraging. And so you start hating people more than you hate the worm, the initial cause of your pain. You lose trust. You lose faith. You lose hope in friends, in people…and in God. You lose everything. You close your eyes and let the worm crawl. You want to die. You can not preclude the tears from making the same swirly patterns on your cheeks. And you ask yourself.

What did I do to deserve this?

You await death. Very sad, hopeless and discouraged. You want nothing else. It’s like life means nothing to you now. Whatever you expected, desired, wanted, needed has failed you. Your eyes still closed when inexplicably something gleams in your mind to look for God. You wish to talk to your Creator. Everything appears before you on the spur of the moment.

You hear your inner voice mutter,

“What do you do when you fall?”

You keep your eyes closed. The wet swirly patterns on your cheeks gradually dry away. You find yourself in peace. You can hear your heart beat. You hear your inner voice ask the same question again. A bit louder this time.

“What do you do when you fall?”

The inner voice grows louder and deeper as you get rid of the notion of self. You keep going with the flow. You become more aware of your buoyant real self. You find something new. It’s like a dew drop that contains the reflection of the moon and the whole sky. You hear it ask the same question again,

WHAT
DO YOU
DO
WHEN
YOU
FALL?

You get up!

YOU 

GET 

UP!

You open your eyes. Your face streaked with dried up tears. You slide shut your eyes and the one last tear runs freely down your cheek. You immediately wipe it off. You blink, slowly. You blink again. The worm that started from the feet had reached the waistline by this time. You start hitting yourself against the wall, against the floor, against everything, in an attempt to squish the worm. And you fail. You go on hitting yourself until you’re out of energy. Exhausted you sit down. You find something in you. You are not ready to give up. You close your eyes. You open your eyes. You see the worm is coming out of your skin. Miracle? You are not surprised. It was as if you expected the same. You pull the rest of it out and then squelch it badly against the ground. You see that certain someone coming towards you to congratulate you. You turn your face away, close your eyes and smile.

Sometimes its the smallest bits of motivation that can change your life up to the point of making you ecstatic.

- Haris Ghole